The Same Rabbit Hole

Why I’m doing this I can’t tell you because I don’t even know. Perhaps it is to exercise the mind, challenge myself, or some unconscious desire of self loathing taking the form of an addictive tendency to satisfy some creative outlet? Maybe all of those things can be true? An argument could also be made that vanity and arrogance play into it — somehow woven into the same fabric like a large unfinished quilt? The reasoning, I suppose, is not mine to determine. Others are probably better suited to render a definition on the ‘why.’ All I can do is acknowledge that it exists.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I went through a period of self-analysis in 2024 by writing an autobiography. It was a rewarding experience. My goal had been to get some things on paper out of some desire to have it survive me (again — there’s that vanity angle!). However, by having to organize and compose my thoughts in such a format I found it to be a highly valuable, and dare I say enriching? — experience. In a way I vented some of my frustrations over the years — those that I would never impart upon the casual blog reader, but rather to explain my perspective those specific friends and family that might find it interesting. The entire project came when someone very close to me bought me an autobiography for Christmas (2023) that they thought I would like. While they were correct, I did enjoy the book, I also felt (again, vanity!) that I too could write such a manuscript. That lead to the next logical question, Why don’t you write an autobiographical manuscript? It was out of that simple self-challenge that the whole project was born.

The same has happened again. Now having completed the personal challenge of transference of memories to paper (well, a saved document anyway), I have now — for some unknown reason, as I’ve already stated — once again opened a blank document in an attempt at doing something different.

Over Christmas 2024, I was able to get caught up on a couple of fiction books that had been on my self, purchased, but were collecting dust as I hammered away at the keys writing the autobiography. I guess I’m consistently prone to falling down the same rabbit hole, and just as the previous year I asked, Why don’t you write the kind of book you like to read? Maybe this is true for others? I do not know. So what started as a simple reformatting of margins in setting up a usable template — as I indicated in my previous post — has expanded out into a much larger document. I am, I confess at the time of this writing, nine chapters deep into a work of pure fiction. I do not profess that it is a good story outline by any means, and I have come up against some writing blocks as the cold evenings march on, but I tell myself (or lie to myself) that it is something.

After the autobiography, I said I was going to stay away from my laptop in the evenings and not spend countless hours striking keys trying to relate a story or concept. I am a total failure in this regard as that self-imposed embargo lasted perhaps three weeks?

So, as time permits, I will attempt to use this blog to update my progress. Right now I’m nine chapters in. When I finish is anyone’s guess. There are no hard deadlines. When the story is done, I suppose, it will tell me. At this time I have no intention on publishing or seeking a publisher. That is not the goal. The goal is the process itself, and to see if I can complete such an endeavor.